My Mother in law - One in a Million

[ummtaalib]

 

My mother in law, widowed for twenty-five years, was one in a million. She was my friend, my mother, not a ‘mother in law’.

 

I spent thirty one years of my life with her. I can’t remember a single day that we ever fought or argued. We had our differences but never things that got out of hand. She would easily resolve things with her heart of gold.

 

Here are a few things that she did that made us friends rather than in laws:

 

1. She never stayed angry for more than an hour

2. It was always more important to her that we have a good relationship so that we could live happily.

3. She never interfered in my marriage or in the upbringing of my children.

4. She gave me authority and respect in her home.

5. One of the golden ingredients of her successful recipe was that she never complained to her son (my husband) or to my mother about me. In turn I never complained to my husband about her. We always sorted out our problems with each other. In this way my husband was spared of being caught in the middle, choosing sides, his mother or me.

6. Our personalities were different but due to our understanding and mutual respect, we got on like a ‘house on fire’.

7. She loved me unconditionally for who I was, not for what I could do for her. In return it was easy for me to do things for her to make her happy.

8. She always acknowledged and appreciated whatever I did for her.

9. She always took my part over her son, even if I was wrong.

10. Whenever she was wrong she never hesitated to apologize and ask for maaf! This was a truly remarkable quality. It takes a really amazing woman to do that. Not many mothers in law would be able to do this. And when she would do this, I would become extremely embarrassed, feeling terrible that my mother is asking me for maaf.   

11. She had no qualms in praising me in front of others. She would always say that she was so lucky to have me. Truly speaking I was the lucky one to have her as my mother in law.

12. Some other qualities of hers was that her heart was always clean, she never kept any ill feelings in her heart and she was very soft hearted.

13. She was always humble, smiling and giggling.

14. She never complained about taking care of my brother in law who is mentally challenged and took him with her wherever she went. She did not make him my responsibility.

15. She loved my children unconditionally and never bothered of they made a noise or mess in her house. She would just say, “Leave them, children are not normal if they are not naughty.”

16. She had an amazing quality of feeding people. If you came to her home, she would never allow you to leave without eating. If she had no visitors then she would send food, baking or naan to her neighbours and friends. Even when she was ill and people came to visit she would ask me if I had fed them. A beautiful Sunnah which is dying so fast today.

17. She always had time for everyone, especially her nephews and nieces who were all beloved to her and in return she was beloved to them.

18. Most importantly, she always kept family ties in spite of living so far away from everyone.

 

I hope that I can follow in those footsteps of hers. I truly loved her with all my heart. For my daughters, their Dadi was their world. I have lost my friend, my companion and my support of thirty one years.

 

May Allah Ta’ala grant her the highest stages in Jannatul Firdaus, Aameen.

 

From the Jamiatul Ulama KZN Social Office:

 

The social department works primarily with relationship conflict on a consistent basis.

 

We exist as social beings in this Dunya and relationships are central to our existence. Just as we require a license to drive a car, so too should we equip ourselves with the correct skills to efficiently maintain our relationships.

 

Alhamdulillah, this heartwarming message presents some fundamental values required for a healthy relationship. In-law relationships in particular appear to be fraught with misunderstandings and a lack of tolerance. Media has also contributed to the added perception that this relationship is necessarily difficult. The alternative narrative like this message presents becomes useful in shifting current views.

 

A healthy relationship recognizes that individuals are different, so we learn to appreciate our differences. We respect and appreciate a person's individuality whether they are our senior or junior.

 

Insaan (humans) comes from the root word 'nasiya' which means 'to forget'...if we can so often forget our Creator, we can also definitely forget the rights another insaan has over us. So we learn to tolerate, overlook and forgive the other persons shortcomings as we recognise that we too are an imperfect insaan. How do we do so? ...we take the good someone has to offer and we disengage from the imperfect bits. We choose to look through rose-tinted glasses and focus on the strengths/positives of the person.

 

If we choose to stand rigidly by the rights that we have over another person, we will be unlikely to enjoy survival of relationship. If we instead choose the path of ehsaan, we let go of our own emotional burdens and we permit ourselves to enjoy a better quality of relationship.

 

Alhamdulillah, this message is indeed one in a million. It is exceptionally beautiful to hear that the teachings of our beloved Nabi saw are being actively applied in today's time.

 

A final word, the shift begins with us in tiny steps and restart by purifying our intention....Oh my Creator, I am doing this overlooking, even though it feels hard right now only for Your pleasure....You have promised my reward for it.

 

The rest will fall into place from Allah directly InshaAllah.

 

Jamiatul Ulama (KZN)
Council of Muslim Theologians