Islamic Parenting

[Bint e Aisha]

HOW CAN I GROOM MY CHILDREN TO BE FUTURE ROLE MODELS?

 

QUESTION:

 

I have been trying very hard to bring up my children in an Islamic environment, However, things are not going as I expected. The children are 15 years old and doing hifz. THey keep lying about what they are reading and keep procrastinating their sabak. On top of that they are trying to listen to music and watch movies on YouTube without my knowledge. Also their attitude is becoming very bad that they yell when confronted or they stay upset (not talking or eating). I am obviously very concerned as to what to do and how to handle this. Not sure what am I doing wrong in the upbringing. Looking for some advice. 

 

ANSWER:

 

Children are easily influenced by their surroundings. These days, it is extremely difficult to expose our children to an ideal Islamic environment given the influences from media, friends and even other members of the family. With television, radio, Internet and forms of media mostly touting un-Islamic values, it is up to parents and adults close to the children to set the correct example. It is impossible to shield our children from all the negative forces that can shape their minds and, ultimately, their behaviour.

 

However, by our own example and showing them better options, we can set them on the true path, which is to obey the commandments of Allah Taala and our Holy Prophet Muhammad Sallalahu Alayhi Wasallam.

 

Here are some tips you may want to follow in helping your children grow up with Islamic values.

 

1. Treat them kindly.

Kindness begets kindness. If we are kind to our children, they in turn would show kindness to others. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam was the best example in being kind to children.

 

2. Teach them examples of Muslim heroes.

Relate incidents about the real heroes of Islam such as Hazrat Abu-Bakr and Hazrat Umar and the other illustrious Sahabah (Radhiallahu an hum). Tell them how Muslim leaders brought a real peaceful change in the world and won the hearts of Muslims and non-Muslims alike. Do not let them be influenced by comic book superheroes.

 

3. Go out as a family.

Take family trips rather than allowing your children to always go out only with their friends. Let your children be around family and friends from whom you want them to pick up their values. Always remember that your children will become who they are around with most of the time.

 

4. Praise your children.

Praise is a powerful tool with children especially in front of others. Children feel a sense of pride when their parents’ praise them and will be keen to perform other good deeds. However, praise must be limited to Islamic deeds and deeds of moral value.

 

 5. Avoid humiliating your children in front of others.

Children make mistakes. Sometimes, these mistakes occur in their efforts to please parents. If you are unhappy with your children, tell them in private.

 

6. Inculcate a sense of responsibility in them.

Have faith in their abilities to perform tasks. Give them chores to do in line with their age. Convince them that they are performing an important function and you will find them eager to help you out again.

 

7. Perform salaah and other acts of Ibadah with them.

 

 Wake them up for Fajr and make Ibadah as a family. Talk to them about the rewards of salaah so that it doesn’t feel like a burden to them.

 

8.  Good Company

A child blossoms with good company. Watch your child’s friends and company.

 

9. Lead by example.

Children observe their parents closely. Your speech and conduct should be an inspiration and guidance for your children.

 

10. Adopt all possible means to make them upright and practising muslims.

 

Make the following dua constantly,

 

رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا

[الفرقان: 74]  

 

And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best

 

Huzaifah Deedat

 

Student Darul Iftaa

Lusaka, Zambia

 

Checked and Approved by,

Mufti Ebrahim Desai.

•┈┈┈┈┈┈┈•

 

 

Darul Iftaa Mahmudiyyah

 

Durban, South Africa

 

Website: www.daruliftaa.net

 

[Bint e Aisha]

Five Things Every Muslim Parent Needs to Do

 

Summarized by Samah Syed from the ‘The Muslim Parenting Struggle‘ webinar by Mufti Abdullah Nana.

Being a good parent is no easy task. From the moment of birth onwards you are entirely responsible for the physical, mental and emotional well-being and upbringing of another human being. As Muslim parents, this responsibility is even greater because your biggest duty is to ensure that you inculcate a solid understanding and practice of Islam into the next generation. The importance of this is illustrated in the story of Prophet Ya’qub (peace be upon him) who even upon his deathbed was solely concerned with how his sons would worship after his passing:

“And Ibrahim instructed his sons

[to do the same] and [so did] Ya’qub, [saying], “O my sons, indeed Allah has chosen for you this religion, so do not die except while you are Muslims”. (Quran, 2:132)

 

To preserve Islam in our children, there are five guiding factors that as parents we should follow:

#1 Make Du’a

A parent’s du’a for his or her child is one that is never left unanswered. It is the most powerful means by which you can ensure the guidance and spiritual well-being of your child. It is mentioned in a hadith:

“Three du’as are not rejected; the du’a of a father, the du’a’ of a traveler and the du’a of an oppressed person.” (Tirmidhi, Abu Dawud)

Likewise, a mother’s du’a is also equally as powerful and accepted. Thus we must make it a point daily to sincerely turn to Allah ﷻ and implore Him to guide and protect our children in all of the daily challenges that they face. Du’a can be made in any language as long as it is from the heart, however, there are Qur’anic supplications that would greatly benefit us to memorize in Arabic (see Qur’an references below), learn the meanings and incorporate into our daily lives:

My Lord, make me an establisher of prayer, and [many] from my descendants. Our Lord, and accept my supplication. Our Lord, forgive me and my parents and the believers the Day the account is established. (14:40–41)

Our Lord, grant us from among our wives and offspring comfort to our eyes and make us an example for the righteous. (25:74)

My Lord, enable me to be grateful for Your favour which You have bestowed upon me and upon my parents and to work righteousness of which You will approve and make righteous for me my offspring. Indeed, I have repented to You, and indeed, I am of the Muslims. (46:15)

As mere creations, we do not host the power to guide or transform our children’s spiritual condition by ourselves. The power to change hearts and grant ultimate guidance lies with the Almighty alone.

#2 Educate

Although there is great power in du’a, it would not be enough for us to simply make du’a and then sit back and expect everything to fall perfectly in place. As with everything, alongside du’a, there is the need for human effort. With regards to Islamic education, we must ensure that we are able to at least provide basic Islamic knowledge to our children. This would include that which is mandatory or fard ayn for every Muslim to know such as the basic fiqhof purification and salah as well as Qur’an recitation. We must also create awareness in our children about that which is permissible and that which is forbidden. By doing so we enable them to carry out the commands of Allah ﷻ and attain His pleasure, as is mentioned in the Qur’an:

O you who have believed, protect yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is people and stones, over which are [appointed] angels, harsh and severe; they do not disobey Allah in what He commands them but do what they are commanded. (Qur’an, 66:6)

#3 Teach Islamic Etiquette

Beyond the basic book learning of Islam, it is imperative on us to teach our children how to live Islam. This includes the manners, morals and character we instill within them such as kindness, respect, humility, tolerance, gratitude and patience. A very practical manner in which these values can be placed into our children is by getting them to volunteer and spend time with those less fortunate. It is our duty to ensure that we raise children that will grow up to be positive, contributing members of society. It was from the habit of our pious predecessors to engage in the observation of their teachers’ character and etiquette and then implement what they saw into their own lives.

Imam Malik’s mother advised him to first learn from the character and manners of his teacher before seeking his knowledge. It was common for people of the past to spend years in the company of the pious simply to inculcate their manners and values into themselves. It is important to remember that this tarbiyyah (nurturing) towards Islamic etiquette is an on-going process. It is a delusion to simply spend a weekend at an Islamic conference and then expect a complete transformation in your child’s etiquette. We must keep striving on a regular basis to impart these values by establishing weekly ta’lims, i.e., study sessions using a book expounding the virtues of good actions in our homes on a regular basis. One such good book that could be used for this purpose is the famous hadith collection, Fada’il al-A’mal.

#4 Commit to Positive Reinforcement at Home

The best way to instill Islamic etiquette into our children is to simply “walk the walk”. This means that we must become role models that actually practice that which we preach to our children. It is important to note that from a young age a child learns to imitate their parent’s every action. Thus, if the child sees his or her parent praying, or observing a modest and Islamic dress code, he or she will automatically try to do the same.

Similarly, if the child sees the parent using foul language or hurting another individual, he or she will follow suit. The companion Zubayr (may Allah be pleased with him) took his fourteen year old son Abdullah bin Zubayr (may Allah be pleased with him) to the battlefield with him simply for him to observe and learn and this contributed towards him growing up to become one of the greatest leaders in Islam. Therefore, whenever possible, we must engage our children with our workplaces or places of volunteerism so that they may learn from our interactions and behavior.

#5 Bond with Your Children

Probably the most important element in any parent-child relationship is the bond and connection that the two share. This bond must go beyond simply feeding, clothing and educating the child. We must provide our children with constant love, support and encouragement. It is against the prophetic example to be harsh towards our children or to degrade them.

We must not push our children beyond their capacity, especially in matters of religion. It is not necessary for every child to become a hafiz or an ‘alim and if we push them too hard, resentment may build in their hearts towards us as well as towards Islam. We should present Islam in a loving manner such that they genuinely wish to practice its teachings out of their own free will.

The Prophet ﷺ would win the hearts of youth with the gentleness in which he spoke and the compassion he would show them. Anas Ibn Malik (may Allah be pleased with him) spent ten years in the service of the Prophet ﷺ and stated that there was never a single occasion in those ten years where He ﷺ rebuked him or was harsh with him. The Prophet ﷺ would also engaged in humour with the youth and this serves to remind us of the importance of having fun with our children. Our duty is not simply to educate and discipline, but also to be a friend to our children. We must engage in enjoyable lawful activities such as sports, archery, swimming, hiking, etc. By doing so, we win over the heart and mind of the child such that they look forward to spending time with us.

 

Rayyan institute

[Bint e Aisha]

Consider the following advice narrated by Faqeehul Ummah Mufti Mahmood Saheb Gangohi Rahimahullah of Hazrat Moulana Maseehullah Khan Saheb Rahimahullah,

"Nowadays parents should behave towards their children as children. Father should act as a son; not with the awe and fear of yesteryear. He should deal with love, tenderness and affection…. ‘Son it is time for the meals.... son it is time for bed, etc. These are all request; as if one brother is talking to another; for the era of dictating and commanding are over." (Ashraf’s Blessings, Page 369)

Excerpt taken from Askimam

[Bint e Aisha]

[Bint e Aisha]

Parents should avoid having disputes in front of their children even if the child is a baby as it affects the child and his/her behaviour - Mufti Shabbir Ahmed Sahib (Hafidhahullah)

[Bint e Aisha]

There are many that experience immense pain with the challenges of their children but put up a smile in front of their children. Children have no idea of the grief and pain hidden in their hearts. They love their children and wish well for them. Listen to your parents and trust in their love for you. They only wish the best for you.
The relationship with the outside world is superficial and temporary. No one will sacrifice for you like your parents

- Mufti Ebrahim Desai (Hafidhahullah)

[Bint e Aisha]

Why do some children deviate from the right path when they grow up? 

 

:قال ابن القيم

"فمَن أهمل تعليم ولده ما ينفعه ، وتركه سدى فقد أساء إليه غاية الإساءة ، وأكثر الأولاد إنما جاء فسادهم من قبَل الآباء ، وإهمالهم لهم ، وترك تعليمهم فرائض الدين وسننه ؛ فأضاعوهم صغارا فلَم ينتفعوا بأنفسهِم، ولم ينفعوا آبَاءَهُم كبارا." 

📜تحفة المودود ٢٢٩

 

Ibn al-Qayyim said:

"Whoever neglected to teach his child that which benefits him, and left him without any guidance, then he has wronged him gravely. 
The reason behind most children’s deviance is their parents, and their neglect and failure to teach them the Fara'idh (the duties) and the Sunan (the supererogatory acts of worship) of the religion so they neglected them as they were still small, as a result they didn't find benefit in themselves, nor did they benefit their parents when they grew up."

📜Tuhfat al-Mawdood (229)

[ummtaalib]

4 hours ago, Bint e Aisha said:

Why do some children deviate from the right path when they grow up? 

 

:قال ابن القيم

"فمَن أهمل تعليم ولده ما ينفعه ، وتركه سدى فقد أساء إليه غاية الإساءة ، وأكثر الأولاد إنما جاء فسادهم من قبَل الآباء ، وإهمالهم لهم ، وترك تعليمهم فرائض الدين وسننه ؛ فأضاعوهم صغارا فلَم ينتفعوا بأنفسهِم، ولم ينفعوا آبَاءَهُم كبارا." 

📜تحفة المودود ٢٢٩

 

Ibn al-Qayyim said:

"Whoever neglected to teach his child that which benefits him, and left him without any guidance, then he has wronged him gravely. 
The reason behind most children’s deviance is their parents, and their neglect and failure to teach them the Fara'idh (the duties) and the Sunan (the supererogatory acts of worship) of the religion so they neglected them as they were still small, as a result they didn't find benefit in themselves, nor did they benefit their parents when they grew up."

📜Tuhfat al-Mawdood (229)

Not just neglect but too much pushing towards deen (especially with harshnesss) also leads children away from the right path

[Bint e Aisha]

21 hours ago, ummtaalib said:

Not just neglect but too much pushing towards deen (especially with harshnesss) also leads children away from the right path

💯 You're right.