HOSTILE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN FATHER & DAUGHTER

[ummtaalib]

HOSTILE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN FATHER & DAUGHTER

 

Question:

I was just watching some YouTube Islamic talk type of videos about respecting your parents and i want to ask if the situation I'm in has made me stop speaking to my dad, is that wrong islamically?

 

I have also stopped speaking to his family unless i see them outside at the shops or something and they say salam, i will reply to that cos its my duty but apart from that i won't speak to them. My dads mum is also "ill'' i don't mean to sound selfish but i don't care about her, if someone didn't care about my mum, i can't care about their mother who made my mums life very hard.

 

I'll try to keep it short with the relevant information, the back story is he's not a very nice person, i grew up seeing him physically abuse my mother and even physically hurt me and my siblings during their rows. My parents eventually split up around years ago after my dad had found someone else, he seems to have changed, he's a great husband to her but he has always lacked in being a good father, he seems to put on an act when other people are around so everyone outside thinks everything is going well within our family. He's never been a good father, however the only thing i can say he did do for me is pay for an overseas ticket years ago but this was whilst i was talking to him, he often brings this up as it is the only thing he can actually say he's done for me, but as a father isn't that his duty anyway? He's never paid child maintenance, would give us mere few pounds a month if i was lucky, he is tight with money and only likes to give it to his wife which he has also bought a shop for her to open her own business.

 

Two years ago i stopped speaking to him as a couple months before he had came to my house that i live in with my mum and argued with my mother demanding her to leave our home as its under her name. During this argument he had said some very hurtful things to us all such as i hope you die, i wouldn't bother turning up to your janaza, you're not my kids etc. This ended in a huge argument.

 

Then a couple months later, my brother was at my house, my dad had come over and i woke up to hear my brother and dad arguing about my dad being a bad father but a good husband to my 'step-mum'. He asked me if he was a bad dad, i said yes because thats how i feel he is, he will keep up with social appearances in public and when he needs us but apart from that nothing. He then asked if i picked him or my mother, i replied my mother and told him he'd be better off dead to me and i asked him to leave my house as i was fasting and couldn't be bothered to deal with him. I admit i swore during this as i lost my patience and i got angry and upset, but he said things back such as we are haram kids and we are not his which is of course, rubbish. And since that day i haven't spoken to him as we told him to get out of our lives, he hasn't returned to my home but my other siblings still talk to him despite all the abuse he put my mother through which i cannot forgive witnessing whilst i was such a young girl. He often mentions the fact that i don't speak to him to my other siblings in a sad voice as if I'm meant to feel sorry for him, but i don't as i feel like the only reason he'd want to speak for his own gains to look like he has a good relationship with his kids to his family and other outsiders.

 

Personally, I do feel like i have good reason to not speak to my dad and his family but i would like someone with religious knowledge to tell me because i don't know. Sorry for the long message but i feel like it wouldn't be understood without a little back round story. Hope it made sense and hope you can help.

Answer:

 

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

As-salāmu 'alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.

We take note of the contents of your email, your age and mind-set.

 

You believe your attitude towards your father is correct yet you decided to seek our opinion. We commend you for that. When good people like you commit a wrong, they feel uneasy. Such a feeling is a sign of Imaan and good nature.

 

Rasulullah (Salallahu alayhi wasallam) said,

 

وَالْإِثْمُ مَا حَاكَ فِي صَدْرِكَ

 

Translation: Sin is that which creates doubt. (Muslim)

 

 You have referred to some negative aspects of your father which cannot be denied or defended. As a human being, your father is bound to err. It is also natural for you to be upset for what you have experienced and witnessed. However, our advise is to rise above emotions and let rationale prevail. Life is full of challenges. If one rises above emotions and be guided by rationale, life will be a peaceful experience. If one is dictated by emotions, that attitude increases pain and life will be painful experience. If you use your fathers experience as an example to train yourself, that will strengthen you internally. You would be able to deal with other emotions of life more easily.

 

As Muslims, we suppress our pains and emotions for the pleasure of Allah. Such painful situations will now offer one the sweetness of Imaan. Tolerate and overlook your father. Rise above emotions and be good to your father for the pleasure of Allah. You will count that as your personal triumph in life.

 

And Allah Ta'āla Knows Best

 

Huzaifah Deedat

Student Darul Iftaa
Lusaka, Zambia

 

Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.

_____________

صحيح مسلم-دار إحياء التراث العربي (4/ 1980)

حَدَّثَنِي مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ حَاتِمِ بْنِ مَيْمُونٍ، حَدَّثَنَا ابْنُ مَهْدِيٍّ، عَنْ مُعَاوِيَةَ بْنِ صَالِحٍ، عَنْ عَبْدِ الرَّحْمَنِ بْنِ جُبَيْرِ بْنِ نُفَيْرٍ، عَنْ أَبِيهِ، عَنِ النَّوَّاسِ بْنِ سِمْعَانَ الْأَنْصَارِيِّ، قَالَ: سَأَلْتُ رَسُولَ اللهِ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ، عَنِ الْبِرِّ وَالْإِثْمِ فَقَالَ: «الْبِرُّ حُسْنُ الْخُلُقِ، وَالْإِثْمُ مَا حَاكَ فِي صَدْرِكَ، وَكَرِهْتَ أَنْ يَطَّلِعَ عَلَيْهِ النَّاسُ