Riddled with guilt 24/7

[ummtaalib]

Question

Asallamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullah.

Dear brother.. I sincerely wish for your help on a problem that has been going on since my husband left us…myself and our two baby girls to go back to his own country in the Gambia nearly 7 months ago. I am a white, English revert of 5 years alhumdullilah. We have been married for 5 years and the marriage was problematic, violent at times, full of jealousy on both parties and I went through a period of depression, low self esteem and lack of confidence. I feel that we didn’t commicate properly, for instance, there were many times that my husband offended me, but rather that sort the problem out, he would get into a rage which was very physical…..to cut a long story short, after a few years, I started really rebelling and started behaving terribly. I felt he made me jealous, sometimes with my girlfreinds, sometimes he would bring womans phone numbers home from his University, I felt he was very charming toward the opposite sex, he had letters from previous girlfriends, and photo’s of them and when I asked him to destroy them, I got a punch on the back of the neck, I felt from that moment on I was not a priority. So I got revenge. I started being extreamily nice to his friends when they visited, I purposefully got mens phone numbers from my work….All to get his reaction…to see if he would also get jealous because he used to tell me I need a doctor because I’m sick in the head. The latest problem was in January…he asked me to take out a loan for £15,000 so we could all go back to his country to live, he said that I shouldn’t worry about paying the loan back as many people do this, it would just mean that I would be able to go back to the UK for 5 years…stupidly enough, I agreed…I thought the Islam was good in his country. All three of us went to the Gambia, but I had to come home and sort finances out here in the UK…. I told my freind what I had done…she told me that I can’t just take a loan and not pay it back, this would be fraud. I immeadiately called my husband in the Gambia and I aksed him to come home and help me pay off the loan, he said that he didn’t want to come back here because he dosn’t like the UK…he then asked if he could have a second wife. Due to the circumstances…I had to divorce him as I thought this was a terrible thing to do, asking me to take a loan and the him starting a new life with a new wife in his own country…meanwhile, I couldn’t work after this because I had to look after my daughters so I had to go on benefits, therfore, I couldn’t pay the loan back at all.

 

The main problem here…Where I really need you help…I can’t get rid of this gulit brother…for the things I did to him…i.e making him jealous on purpose and rebelling. Sometimes I cannot sleep out of fear because I worry this will be sorted out in Allah’s court. My heart is crying out of fear as I type this. I don’t know what excuse I will give Allah. Since I have been on my own, I have been gaining so much knowledge…there are things I know now, but didn’t know then. I really do feel very regretful brother..that I was a terrible wife and maybe this is why he left us. I cannot even sleep at night because my mind keeps replaying all the bad thigs I did to him. Please forgive me…this is long winded but please advise me..Jahannam is full of woman mainly and I fear I’m one of them….But I’m desparate to be one of the lucky 7 to be under the shade of Allah’s throne.

Jazakallah….kindly for your Patience in reading this

Asallamu Alakikum wa Rahmatullah brother…

 

 

Answer

 

Bismillahir Rahmaanir Raheem
Al Jawaab Billahit-Tawfeeq

Respected Sister,

Allah Ta’ala says in the Noble Quraan:
‘Say: O my servants who have transgressed against their souls! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah. For Allah forgives all sins. For He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.’ (Surah Az-Zumar, verse 53)

 

It is inevitable as a human being that we commit sins day in and day out. We should realize that we are not like the messengers and prophets of Allah whom Allah has made ma’sum (free of sins). Therefore, no matter how pious a person may seem, he shall never be free of sins. This is true for us as well.

 

When a person realizes that he has sinned and this causes his heart to feel regret and remorse, that in itself is a great blessing from Allah. There are may people who in spite of committing major sins, feel no sorrow or anxiety in their hearts. This is because they have considered the sin as something light and have no desire for repenting towards Allah. So in your situation, you should firstly make lots of shukr to Allah for having mercy on you for granting the realization of your misdeeds.

 

Another thing which you should be happy with yourself is the fact that you want to repent and feel guilt from the bottom of your heart. Now, you will need to make a sincere repentance to Allah, asking forgiveness for all of your misdeeds that you have done while you were with your husband. Make a firm intention to never repeat those things and to turn a new leaf, insha Allah, Allah shall accept your taubah.

 

When this is done, then you should no longer cry and be depressed by the things you have done in the past towards your husband. Realize that the past is the past. Nothing can change the past but the future can be changed from the experience we gained from the past. That is how people become better individuals and progress in life. If we always dwell in the past, then how are we supposed to strive for a better future?

 

Yes, it is good to cry over our sins but we should do it in moderation. In everything we do, needs moderation. Have hope in Allah that Allah has forgiven the past sins and is now looking forward to seeing a new you. If we carry on living in fear, depression and sadness, then the person who is benefiting from this situation is Shaithaan. He is happy because this servant of Allah is not getting anywhere in life. So don’t let Shaithaan take this opportunity to drag us further into our depression and sadness. Rather, find the courage and strength to move on with our life and oppose Shaithaan. Show him that we are tougher than that!

 

Is Allah really that type of a being who will never forgive His slave’s sins even after sincere repentance? Read the verse above over and over again and then judge for ourselves. The verse states that Allah will forgive ALL sins (except for shirk). If a revert who has committed all of the major sins one can think of, reverts to Islam, regrets his past sins and then passes away, Allah will forgive not only the sins committed but change those sins into good deeds due to his taubah.

 

Allah Most Exalted says:
‘Unless he repents, believes, and works righteous deeds, for Allah will change the evil of such persons into good, and Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.’ (Surah Al-Furqaan, verse 70)

 

Just look at how merciful Allah is. Al-Ghafur (Most Forgiving) and Al-Raheem (Most Merciful). Have hope in Allah that Allah will forgive your sins and change those sins into your good deeds. You have nothing to lose but everything to gain. The key is taubah and dua. Carry on making dua that Allah includes us amongst the 7 fortunate people to be under His shade on the day whereby there is no shade except for His. Amin.

And Allah knows best.

Wassalam.

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Binti Zahari

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