Bit Of Light Relief!

[ummtaalib]

This thread is to provide a little bit of light relief to bring a smile inshaAllah! It is an idea taken from the Muftisays.com "The Light Side"

 

Islam is not devoid of humour. Our beloved Prophet sallallaahu ‘alayhi wasallam enjoyed humour. On some occasions he himself would make humorous remarks however, even in humour, he always spoke the truth. He smiled often but it was not his habit to laugh out loud. His Companions followed his example and refrained from bursting into laughter in an amusing situation. His remarks cheered the audience but never made the meeting a place of fun and frolic. His assembly always remained a place of learning, understanding and spiritual fulfilment.

 

As long as the correct Islamic code of behaviour is maintained where no harm is caused to another person through humiliation and insensitivity, there is no lewdness and only truth is spoken, jokes and a good sense of humour will be permitted.

 

Feel free to add however please note that anything unsuitable will be removed...

[ummtaalib]

So here's a few marraige one liners which will bring a smile 

 

 

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

 

 

* A successful husband is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man!

 

 

* Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent

 

 

Source

[ummtaalib]

Good News & Bad News

 

Here is the story of an Imam who got up after Friday prayers and announced to the people:"I have good news and bad news.

 

The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

[ummtaalib]

Advice to the Husband & Wife

 

advice to wives:if hubby not talking to you, hide something necessary and he'll come and ask if you've seen it

 

advice to husbands:if wifey not talking to you, tighten all the jars in the kitchen and she'll come and ask you to open them 

[ummtaalib]

What's for Dinner?     A common conversation. 

For Urdu speakers (however with translation)   

 

 

Husband: Aaj khane mein kya banaogi? What will you cook tonight?     

 

Wife: Jo aap kaho !!! What ever you say!!!     

 

H: Dal chawal bana lo. Make Rice with Dal.     

 

W: Abhi kal hi to khaye the. We had it yesterday.    

 

H: Toh sabji roti bana lo. Then make some vegtables.     

 

W: Bacche nahi khayenge. The kids wont eat it.    

 

H: Toh chhole puri bana lo. Then make chickpeas with puri.     

 

W: Mujhe heavy heavy lagta hai. I find that too heavy to eat.     

 

H: Paraanthe? Paratha?     

 

W: Raat ko paraanthe kaun khata hai?? Who eats Parathas at night??     

 

H: Hotel se mangwa lete hain? We'll order somthing?     

 

W: Roz-roz hotel ka nahi khana chahiye. Its not good having take aways everyday.     

 

H: Kadhi chawal? Spicy Yoghurt with Rice?     

 

W: Dahi nahi hai. Theres no Yoghurt.     

 

H: Idly sambar? Traditional Gujarati dish, Idli Sambar?     

 

W: Usme time lagega.pehle bolna chahiye tha na!!. That will take too long, you shaould have said that earlier!!.    

 

H: Dal hi bana lo, usme time nahi lagega. Make lentil soup, that wont take time.     

 

W: Woh koi meal thodi hai? Thats not a meal?     

 

H: Phir ab kya banaogi? So what will you cook tonight?     

 

W: Wo jo aap kaho !!! What ever you say!!!

 

muftisays (The Light Side)

[ummtaalib]

Abdullah came home after Esha and started going through his papers. Finally, he found the Nikah certificate sat down and started looked at it.

 

Aisha asked, "What are you looking for?"

 

Abdullah, "The Expiration date!"

[ummtaalib]

Marriage!!!

 

Marriage is like a deck of cards.

 

 

In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond

 

By the end you wish you had a club and spade!

[ummtaalib]

To know or not to know

 

Once, the people of the city invited Mulla Nasruddin to deliver a speech. When he got on the minbar (pulpit), he found the audience was not very enthusiastic, so he asked "Do you know what I am going to say?" The audience replied "NO", so he announced "I have no desire to speak to people who don't even know what I will be talking about" and he left.

 

The people felt embarrassed and called him back again the next day. This time when he asked the same question, the people replied "YES" So Mullah Nasruddin said, "Well, since you already know what I am going to say, I won't waste any more of your time" and he left. Now the people were really perplexed.

 

They decided to try one more time and once again invited the Mullah to speak the following week. Once again he asked the same question - "Do you know what I am going to say?" Now the people were prepared and so half of them answered "YES" while the other half replied "NO". So Mullah Nasruddin said "The half who know what I am going to say, tell it to the other half" and he left!

[ummtaalib]

Noisy Shirt

 

 

Abu Hasan relates that a man said to Hija, "I heard a loud noise coming from your house".

 

He replied "It was the sound of my falling shirt".

 

The man exclaimed "The sound of your falling shirt was so loud?"

 

He replied "When I was inside the shirt (wearing the shirt) would I not have fallen with it?"

 

[ummtaalib]

Rush for Forgiveness!
 

Asmaee relates a Bedouin went for Hajj and entered Makka before the people. Holding on the cloth of the Kaba he said, "Oh Allah! Quickly forgive me before there is rush"

 

[MUSLIM WOMAN]

 

 

Man: Is there any way for long life?

Dr: Get married.

Man: Will it help?

Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.

[MUSLIM WOMAN]

 

 

 

Q: Why do women live longer than men?

A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!

[MUSLIM WOMAN]

 

 

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.


Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.

[ummtaalib]

Smart Student

 

PUPIL – “Would you punish me for something I didn`t do?”

 

TEACHER – “Of course not.”

 

PUPIL – “Good, because I haven`t done my homework.”

[ummtaalib]

Just too many Muslims Everywhere!

 

Two men were on a plane on a business trip when a Muslim couple boarded the plane and were seated right in front of them. The two men, eager to have some fun, started talking loudly. "My boss is sending me to Saudi Arabia", the one said, "But I don't want to go...too many Muslims there!" The Muslim couple noticeably heard and grew uncomfortable. The other guy laughed, "Oh, yeah, my boss wanted to send me to Pakistan but I refused...WAY too many Muslims!" Smiling, the first man said, "One time I was in Iran but I HATED the fact that there were so many Muslims!" The couple fidgeted. The other guy responded, "Oh, yeah...you can't go ANYWHERE to get away from them...the last time I was in FRANCE I ran into a bunch of them too!" The first guy was laughing hysterically as he added, "That is why you'll never see me in Indonesia...WAY too many Muslims!" At this, the Muslim man turned around and responded politely, "Why don't you go to Hell?", he asked, "I hear there's not very many Muslims THERE!"

[ummtaalib]

Oops! Its only a dog!

 

True Incident: The incident took place in South Asia. A man was offering salah in his house. He was praying as fast as he could as many of us do. All of a sudden, he heard the door behind him open. Since, someone entered the room, he started making his ruku and sujud longer. Upon completion of the salah, he looked back to see who it was. To his amazement, it was a dog!

[ummtaalib]

First year of marriage: Man speaks woman listens.

Second year: Woman speaks man listens.

Third year: Both speak the neighbours listen.

[ummtaalib]

There were three boys who wanted to get married to the imaams daughter, so all three of them went to the imaams house to ask for his daughter's hand in marriage.

 

The imaam asks the first guy
"What's your name?"

first guy:"My name is Ibraheem"

Imaam:Oh ok, recite to me surah Ibraheem"...and so he did

 

Imaam:"Maasha-Allah! and what is your name?"

second guy:"My name is Yusuf"

 

Imaam:"Recite surah Yusuf" and he recites it

 

So then the imaam asks the third guy "What's your name?"

 

The third guy was really nervous and was like "err, my name is Yaseen, BUT BUT BUT at home my parents call me Qulhuwallahu Ahad.

source

[Arslan]

Central Park, New York

 

A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl’s life.

 

A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: “You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: “Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl” The man says: – “But I am not a New Yorker!” “Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning: ‘Brave American saves life of little girl’” – the policeman answers.

 

“But I am not an American!” – says the man. “Oh, what are you then? ” The man says: – “I am a Saudi !” The next day the newspapers says: “Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.

[Arslan]

Letter from an Irish Mother to her Son

 

Dear Son,

 

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well.

 

You won't recognise the house when you get home - we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Irish family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

 

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

 

Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery.

 

Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle.

 

Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial!

 

Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.

 

I'm sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.

 

I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.

 

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days. Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.

 

We had a letter from the under-taker. He said if the last payment on your Grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.

 

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

 

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

 

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

 

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

 

Your loving Mum

 

P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.

[ummtaalib]

Done sister Haya...removed your post as you had quoted it

At first I edited to say the couple was non-Muslim, then changed my mind...

[ummtaalib]

Hope in Du'a

 

Once, a ten-year-old boy was praying feverishly in prostration,

 

“O Allah [swt], the Most Merciful, the Magnificent, Make Faisalabad [a small city of Pakistan] the capital of Pakistan, make Faisalabad the capital of Pakistan…”

 

His mother overheard him and inquired, “Why would you pray so, my child?”

 

The boy answered, “Well, Mother. We had a question on our final exam which asked, “What is the capital of Pakistan?” and I mistakenly put “Faisalabad” as my answer

[ummtaalib]

(Click on picture to enlarge)

[ummtaalib]

ROUND LIKE A SHOT.

 

36 year old, Tony Gladstone was on his way to bed one night when he noticed people in his shed, stealing.  He called the police who told him there were no units in the area but that they would get someone out as soon as possible. He hung up but called back a minute later.

 

“Hello, I rang a few minutes ago to say that there were people in my shed. I just wanted to let you know that there’s no need to hurry anymore, I’ve shot them.” 

 

Within minutes, there were half a dozen police cars, including an armed response unit and a helicopter! The police caught the burglars red handed.

 

One of the officers remarked to Mr Gladstone, “I thought you said that you’d shot them.”  “I thought you said you had nobody in the area,” he retorted.

[ummtaalib]