What Do I Do With My Abusive Husband?

[ummtaalib]

Question:

I had an argument with my husband and he kicked me in my lower abdomen. This has happened several times before as well. Now my husband is saying that I provoked him to hit me and I deserved that. Now I want a divorce but I am thinking about my kids. I don’t want to be hit anymore and I know he will do such a thing again as he has a very short temper. Please tell me what to do in this situation.

 

Answer:

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.

 

We read your account of events and understand the following:

 

You had an argument with your husband and your husband physically abused you. This is not the first time you have experienced this. You are considering divorce but are unsure due to your children.

Allah the Almighty ordained marriage to be a source of peace and tranquility amongst mankind. Marriage is supposed to induce the greatest amount of understanding, harmony and love between two strangers. Allah the Almighty describes the husband and wife as a garment for one another:

 

هُنَّ لِبَاسٌ لَكُمْ وَأَنْتُمْ لِبَاسٌ لَهُنَّ

“Your wives are garments for you and you are garments for your wives.”

 

Garments are multi-purpose They cover the body, provide warmth in the summer and keep the body cool in the winter. Likewise, they are a source of beauty and chastity. If one does not look after his garments, he does not iron them and wash the stains, the garments will no longer serve the purpose of beauty, protection and warmth.

Likewise, in a marriage, each partner must tend to the needs of their spouse. The husband and wife must constantly tend to the needs of their spouse in order to keep everything tidy.

 

Being abusive towards a partner is totally prohibited and condemned by Shari’ah. Injustice towards any human being is a major sin.

 

The beloved wife of the Prophet (salutations and peace be upon him) Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her), testified that the Prophet never abused or hit his wife or servant.[ii]

 

The first step to solve all our problems is turning to Allah the Almighty sincerely. Make constant dua to Allah; He is there to respond to you. Consider the following verse:

 

وَإِذَا سَأَلَكَ عِبَادِي عَنِّي فَإِنِّي قَرِيبٌ أُجِيبُ دَعْوَةَ الدَّاعِ إِذَا دَعَانِ فَلْيَسْتَجِيبُوا لِي وَلْيُؤْمِنُوا بِي لَعَلَّهُمْ يَرْشُدُونَ (186)

And when My servants ask you, [O Muhammad], concerning Me – indeed I am near. I respond to the invocation of the supplicant when he calls upon Me. So let them respond to Me [by obedience] and believe in Me that they may be [rightly] guided.[iii]

 

Do you not see how Allah changes a barren land into a rich green flourishing plain? Have you not read how Allah Ta’ala changed the conditions for the Prophet (Salutations and peace be upon him)? There was a time when his own tribe wanted to end his life. He was banished from his home town. A time came when all submitted to him and cherished his presence. How many a time has Allah Ta’ala cured people who were thought to be in the jaws of death? Allah can change the heart and condition of people instantly. Nothing is difficult for Allah Ta’ala. Sincerely turn to Allah in supplication and try your utmost not to displease Him. After every salah, supplicate to Allah, this is the time when dua is readily accepted.

 

In addition to making dua, speak to your spouse when he is not in a hurry or under stress. Open up and reveal to him your feelings. Make him remember the love you both experienced in the first couple of months of your marriage. Tell him and show him what he means to you.

 

If speaking to your husband is not possible, consider seeking the assistance of neutral family members. Allah Ta’ala instructs us in such situations to appoint two arbitrators:

 

“And if you fear dissension between the two, send an arbitrator from his people and an arbitrator from her people. If they both desire reconciliation, Allah will cause it between them. Indeed, Allah is ever Knowing and Acquainted [with all things].”[iv]

 

Consider the following texts. You were rewarded by Allah the Almighty for everything you endured:

 

قال رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم: من يرد الله به خيراً يصب منه

The Messenger of Allah (salallahu ῾alayhi wasallam) said, “When Allah desires good for someone, He afflicts him.”[v]

 

عن النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم قال: ما يصيب المسلم من نصب ولا وصبٍ ولا همٍ ولا حزنٍ ولا أذىً ولا غمٍ، حتى الشوكة يشاكها إلا كفر الله بها من خطاياه.

The Prophet (salallahu ῾alayhi wasallam) said, “No fatigue, illness, anxiety, sorrow, harm or sadness afflicts any Muslim, even to the extent of a thorn pricking him, without Allah wiping out his mistakes by it.”[vi]

 

قال رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم: ما يزال البلاء بالمؤمن والمؤمنة في نفسه وولده وماله حتى يلقى الله تعالى وما عليه خطيئةٌ

The Messenger of Allah(salallahu ῾alayhi wasallam) said, “Believers, both men and women, will continue to be afflicted in respect of themselves, their children and their property until they meet Allah without any wrong actions at all.”[vii]

وقال النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم: إن عظم الجزاء مع عظم البلاء، وإن الله تعالى إذا أحب قوماً ابتلاهم، فمن رضي فله الرضا، ومن سخط فله السخط رواه الترمذي وقال: حديثٌ حسنٌ.

The Prophet (salallahu ῾alayhi wasallam) said, “The greatest reward goes together with the greatest affliction. When Allah Almighty loves people, He tests them. All who are content receive His good pleasure. Those who are angry receive His anger.” [viii]

 

قال رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم: عجباً لأمر المؤمن إن أمره كله له خيرٌ، وليس ذلك لأحدٍ إلا للمؤمن: إن أصابته سراء شكر فكان خيراً له، وإن أصابته ضراء صبر فكان خيراً له

The Messenger of Allah (salallahu ῾alayhi wasallam) said, ‘What an extraordinary thing the business of the believer is! All of it is good for him. And that only applies to the believer. If good fortune is his lot, he is grateful and it is good for him. If something harmful happens to him, he is steadfast and that is good for him too.’” [ix]

 

We recommend you make it a practice to read the book called ‘Don’t be sad’ by ‘Aa’idh al-Qarni. The book is available in many languages and easily available. Try and read an Islamic book with your husband and children daily. Fix a time in the day, even if it is 5 minutes. A famous work to read together is ‘Fazaa’il al-A’maal’. It will be the means of Islam flourishing in your home and that will bring about love and harmony in your four walls.

 

Your husband needs counselling and possibly he may need to visit a psychiatrist. Anger is something which needs to be tamed just like animals. Anger management courses are easily available and should be benefitted from by your husband. One has to acknowledge his illness before any illness can be cured. It would be a wise idea to purchase books written on anger and such negative traits. Place these books around the house so that they can catch the eye of your husband. Another positive avenue for your husband is the company of the pious. He needs spiritual rectification. Encourage him to attend such gatherings. If you cannot encourage him, then purchase a receiver and listen to the lectures and programs of the masjid. Alternatively, listen to the spiritual rectification gatherings streamed online of the pious and god-fearing ulamā (scholars). The broadcasting words will definitely penetrate his ears.

We make sincere dua to Allah the Almighty He grants you ease and happiness. Aameen.

 

And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best

Mufti Faraz al-Mahmudi

 

Darul Iftaa

Dublin, Ireland

http://darulfiqh.com/what-do-i-do-with-my-abusive-husband/